Living in 3 languages

It is easy to underestimate how important getting your thoughts out on the world is to well-being. I often feel like I’m smart enough to have the answers to my questions, and asking someone else would skew my thought process. However, only recently I fully realized why I have a hard time with that external communication.

My internal monologue is largely developed in English, even though my native language is Spanish, and I now live in Brazil, which makes my day-to-day predominantly Portuguese-speaking. At least when I’m not home, because at home, I work remotely with mostly English-speaking coworkers and live with my Spanish-speaking family.

It’s all a big mess of expressions and wanting to say one thing but only being able to get it out in another language.

Better yet, I learned some basic German, which also gets in the middle sometimes.

I learned English by myself, mostly through films, music and videogames. And despite growing up in Cuba, always consumed overwhelmingly more American media than Cuban media. Somehow I tuned my thought process to be largely in English. I use English to speak to myself. With so many years speaking it my accent has gotten much less heavy, but I still have it, so I definitely don’t pass for a native speaker.

Spanish does come native of course, with a specific Cuban accent and it’s expressions.

And now I’m able to speak, understand, and read Brazilian Portuguese well enough to communicate with other people. But again, with a noticeable accent and some awkwardness.

Why this matters? It goes back to communication. I like to write my journal, blog posts and even my grocery list in English. For some reason it feels more natural. Except sometimes the name of a thing or the expression I’m looking for comes to me in Spanish or Portuguese instead. That is a minor annoyance and it can be actually funny to see a to-do list with tasks named in 3 different languages. What really made me reflect on this is that I know I have this voice inside me with things I want to get out. I am very political, very opinionated, and I like to share thoughts and debate. And yet, I can’t find how to get my thoughts out there because I have 3 languages and 3 potential audiences and infinite topics, and although English feels better, it is not my native language, and it’s not the language spoken in my current home country either, which is a place I’d like to help make better with my ideas. I also get the nagging feeling of betraying my native tongue by not using to spread my ideas.

Alas, I should probably consider moving to, say, Russia, and consummate the comical tragedy of having too much to say without knowing how to say it.